Assuming that the file came through correct (2 pages right?), I quite enjoyed it. To me it comes across as something could be a really good intro to a story, the loose symbolism and yet strong focused elements remind me greatly of the bible, but not in a bad way, it can be taken seriously and seems to believe itself without being overbearing. As a purely standalone, it's interesting, but I think far more interesting if it points to a grander menagerie.

Something I've always struggled with is taking time to be slow and play with the small moments, to make the small moments the big moments and articulate their details genuinely, and I think this eludes to that nature, at least from my perspective.

It kinda reminded me of a mix of the Bible as well as some elements of some of the epic poems of old. I agree with Kuma that it could be a great intro towards a story and a solid foundation for building the mythology of your world. I'm quite impressed that you were able to compose a hymn, that's something that I have always struggled to do. I only wish it was longer but despite the length, I thought it was emotionally powerful and compelling.

So almost all of my stories will take place in one of four, interrelated, brackets. This "Hymn" is standalone but still reads into larger of the narrative. This particular group of short stories I have wanted to call either the "Chotathary" or the "Phylactery".

"Phylactery" concerns an ancient group of deities/species known as the Chot'ath. Each Chot'ath presides over a particular immaterial aspect of universal. Say "death", "hope", "envy", et cetera. Although Gigs interpreted Acephalous as a kind of trickster deity, this is not actually the case. Rather, he's intended to represent unhindered materialism and/or hedonism. This is best exemplified, in my book, by the incestuous implications because he doesn't care so long as he gets a jolly out of it.

The Chot'ath answer to a being known as the Aut'strii who acts as an avatar/incarnation to their creator Dau'lush. There have been three Aut'strii: Lushaka, Baaldier, and Mhg. Lushaka was able to comprehend much of the information imparted to her and was exiled to another universe when she attempted to act on it. Baaldier was perfect morally but lost his head splitting him into two distinct entities [hint hint]. Mhg is more mortal than his predecessors consequently he is a little more naive and impulsive.

For their part, the Cho'tath are equally incompetent at their jobs. Slowly, one by one they piece together a much darker conspiracy against their dynasty. Their story is told out of order and many take place in our universe in approximately the mid-20th Century to early-21st Century.

I have many Cho'ath and not all of them have a narrative yet. But their stories will likely be my freebies before I move onto more serialized novella/content to make a name for myself.

Returning to the poem, I am thrilled you guys are receptive.  I am highly influenced by scripture and HP Lovecraft.  Its intended kind of as a teaser but standalone to itself.  Each Chot'ath, in my opinion, deserves the reverence of a single story devoted to them.  Each one builds on the mythology a little more.  Which is why they are out of Chronological order to generate interest.

Although Acephalous himself doesn't have much a role here, his influence will be felt later on.  He's not so much an antagonist, or protagonist, but a force of nature independent of such dualism.  Certain Chot'ath will recur more often than others such as death or the Aut'strii Mhg are extremely important characters even if they are not superficially so. 

Like they aren't even mentioned here.

This poem is an experiment into genre-building as well as a stylistic shift compared to usual.  Yes, I do write in stream of consciousness but not usually in loose sentences that don't always fit together.  If you think of Quran vs. Bible, there are actually no verses in the Quran there are "Ayats".  That's because Mohammed [pbuh] received his revelations non sequentially and was only given Ayats [literally "utterances"] here and there which were later arranged by his companions into the Quran.  The Bible, on the other hand, was largely written in order [in as much as each book is concerned].

So think of Acephalous was being an experiment in the Quranic style vs. my other stories which will be more Biblically oriented.

Shrug.

Yes but Ben don’t you see, that’s my goal. I am a philosopher at heart. I want to be able to write something which can be interpreted a multitude of ways. That doesn’t mean your wrong it just wasn’t what I was going for.

Criticisms brought to me by my Dad:
- You sound too much like someone trying to sound Biblical.
- You sound like a drunk Yoda.
- Word salads abound.
- You could use more concise language.

How much is him not understanding my genre?




I personally take issue with my use of commas but I’m so unskilled was a poet that I don’t know where to put them.

1. Your poem is religious, so what's the problem with you sounding biblical? I figured most of your story probably also revolved around some type of religious/biblical accounts as well.
2.A drunk yoda? lol "Drunk am I, or is it, Drunk I am?"
3.Concise language...so are you using words that most wouldn't understand, or are you one of those writers that write in such a style, it seems it takes them a whole paragraph to get to the actual point of a plot in a story? I had a friend who would go around circles practically to explain a small situation, thus he needed to be more clear and concise i.e. get to the point.